Philiosophy Is

Since I've decided to be happy all the time, theoughts of suicide have fallen 93.7%! I only say that because on the bus to the library, I was thinking about how good a friend was being to me when a brief thought of killing myself passed through. Is it a cause for concern when suicidal impulses show up during a good mood? I had never experienced that before. It was like running past the old bully from high school who says hi, then is gone, failing to leave much of an impression, but still leaving an impression far beyond what any other passing thought would leave. This looks like a job for...PHILOSOPHY! Actually, I believe everything's a job for philosophy. I'm thinking of offering a door-to-door philosophy service, or better yet, for a nominal charge, one can have a live-in philosopher, right in their very home, or perhaps place of business. Imagine coming home from a hard day's work with a vexing thought that had been troubling you all day long, but luckily you have a philosopher in your living room, watching an old Star Trek rerun, the one about the monster who can change shapes and lives off salt. You just plop down on the couch next to me, and I'll say, "Vexing thought again?" He nods. "Well, put your arm around me and tell me all about it." He does, and I give him an answer that's succint and lessens his mental anguish, then he glances down at his crotch and looks at me, and smiles. I know what that means, and soon I am unfastening his belt, pulling down his zipper, and within seconds I have his penis in my mouth. I can't guarantee that every philosopher will give head, but it's a nice thing to think about, isn't it? But some problems can't be solved by a blow job, so before he cums, he takes me by the hand and leads me to his bedroom. "I hear you philosophers like to take it up the ass," he says. "This one does," I reply, and he unzips my dress and takes it off, then lays me down and I spread my legs. I can tell already that soon all of his distress will be gone, thanks to the power of philosophy. As he is fucking me, his wife comes in and says, "Did he have another vexing thought again?" "He sure did," I tell her. "Good thing we have a philosopher in the house," she says, then goes downstairs to finish making dinner. She makes a really good lasagna, that most perfect of all foods. For dessert, she brings us brownies, which are quite scrumptious, as all good brownies are, and unfrosted, because a good brownie doesn't need frosting. "You've got yourself a fine woman," I tell him, and they smile at each other. It's such a beautiful domestic scene: a man, a woman, and their philosopher. "Does anyone want to see 'Repo Man'?" I suggest, but she shakes her head. "Let's watch 'I'm Gonna Get You Sucka' instead," she says, and I say, "All right. We could use a good laugh." As Damon Wayans throws himself down the stairs, I think to myself how good life can be, thanks to the power of philosophy.