Live From Planet Earth

I am glad to tell the world that suicide is a bad choice to make for anyone who has more than two months to live, because God takes great pleasure in our antics. All the world is indeed a stage, and God never misses a single show. He loves my act. When depression hits and I get deadly serious, it's even funnier. I find it hard to keep going, but the show must go on. How disappointed he must be in the performances of others, like when some uptight White who's got it made can't even say hello to me, a fellow human being. That's why I must get rich, because then I would be chauffered around instead of walking on the streets where these dumb White bastards congregate and I wouldn't have to be within speaking distance of them. Not only that: God promised me that if I die poor, He will destroy the Earth. "Don't do that God. It's no big deal." "It is a big deal. I'll blast the whole planet to bits." "But what about the bunny rabbits?" God was adamant. "No, I made up my mind. You want to prevent that, you tell everyone what I said." "I tell people all the time. But you don't have to..." Lightning flashed. "Are you arguing with me?" "Come on. Friends should be able to argue now and then." "Yea, you're right, you're right. I remember this one time, I was arguing with my old buddy Satan about this guy named Job. That Job fella he loved me with all his heart, more than anybody ever could. And Satan said 'He only loves you because he's rich and has a beautiful family.' 'No way. Job would love me no matter what.' 'Let's see how he feels when he's poor' and Satan had a bunch of barbarians come through and take Job's cattle and lay waste to his fields, and Job said, 'I have lost all my possessions, but I love you God, I love you, I love you, I love you.' 'See, Satan? Job loves me. He really loves me.' 'The cattle must've had hoof and mouth disease. But when he loses his sons and daughters, he'll turn on you.' 'No, he won't. Job's cool.' 'Yea, just watch.' And then the same barbarians came back, and killed Job's sons, and hauled away his daughters, and Job cried. 'I have lost my beautiful children. It is more than I can bear, but I love you God. I love you, I love you, I love you.' 'I told ya, I told ya.' 'They were ungrateful brats anyway. Watch how he reacts when he loses his loving wife..' And then, poor Job's wife got sick, and she died. 'My loving wife, taken from me. I don't know how I can go on, but I love you God. I love you, I love you, I love you.' 'Ha. I told ya. Job's love for me had nothing to do with material things.' 'She was probably a real bitch. Let's see how he takes it when he's sick and wracked with pain.' And then Job got boils, and he was in such horrible pain, he could hardly move, but as he lay on the street I heard him plain as day. 'My body is one big sore, and the pain is so great, but I love you God. I love you, I love you, I love you.' 'See? I told ya. I told ya.' And then Satan disappeared in a cloud of smoke. He never did take losing well." "That was a great story God. I am inspired to redouble my efforts to achieve success, because I don't think it's fair that bunny rabbits should have to die because people suck." "You do that. I've got a supernova going on, so we'll talk later." Now the pressure's on. I have to maintain and persevere, and ultimately thrive, or else the entire world is doomed. Should anyone happen to read this post, spread the word far and wide to bring me the riches I deserve and save all humanity, and other cretures, from this horrible fate. Do it for the bunny rabbits.