Secrets

I wanted to kill myself this morning. No big deal: I usually want to kill myself at least once or twice a day, either as a brief thought or a long, deadening cloud that hangs over me which eventually passes. That's one of my secrets, which I never express verbally, but when I write I get brutally honest, and soon the secrets that have adorned me will be stripped away, and I'll stand naked before the world, to await the judgement of all who think they know so much more than me. Strangely though, if someone would tell me their secrets, I would never tell, because I like to be trusted. That's why I would make a great consigliere, because you could tell me anything and the word would never leak out from my end. Of course, not many people are in need of a consigliere these days, but I think everybody should have one. Where could I offer my services? I think a consigliere should be part of everybody's life, not just members of the criminal underworld, because it's important to share secrets with someone who will never divulge them, and everybody needs advice on how to conduct one's affairs. I could tell you the best cat food to buy, and why you should never spend money on cat toys. I would tell why now, but then you might not need me anymore then. I could also advise you to get a cat, and why a cat is such an important part of a household, and that's just cats. Imagine how I could help people with their personal lives, like why you should never have extra-marital affairs with someone your spouse knows. That's so obvious, yet so many people end up sleeping with their spouse's best friend when there are so many prostitutes available who are bound by their strict code of conduct never to divulge their client list. Damn, no good rotten cheaters are such idiots, aren't they? I mean, if you must be a scumbag, at least be smart about it. But then, my first piece of advice would be not to be a scumbag. If you insist on it, though, you need someone like me. I'm surprised that politicians all don't have consiglieres. They certainly are scumbags, even when they don't cheat on their lovers. I think that explains why this country is in such pitiful shape, because all the politicians do their own thinking, which as we can see is not being done very well. I bet Vladimir Putin has a consigliere, because he always seems to be a step ahead of the dumbasses who are running our country into the ground. If American leadership was running Russia, it would have been subdivided 15 years ago, but under Putin it has managed to survive. Let's give the scumbag some credit for that, because Russia is facing some hard times; it doesn't have it easy like America does. We Americans like to think we have it so rough, but Americans have lost the resilience they had in the 19th and early 29th century, and become a bunch of whiny losers who place too much emphasis on who is in the White House. As the executive branch has gained more and more power, the country has gotten worse and worse, with only the private sector keeping the country from going into the toilet. Which makes it so disheartening that our politicians want to start micromanaging the economy, because then they will do that as well as they do everything that is their responsibility, which is poorly. Imagine how badly they will do something which they have no right to do at all. It makes me cringe to think about it. Once again, I seem to have gotten off the track, but luckily for me, I don't care. I am just a humble wise man, and if we would just connect the dots, I am sure it would look just like a Jackson Pollack painting. That's a joke, of course, because his paintings were...but then, as your consigliere my most imortant advice would be to never explain your jokes, and don't apologize if it wasn't funny. Just go on, because the next joke could be so funny that people will forget what a dud the previous joke was, kind of like a Mel Brooks movie. For only $5000 a month, all this great advice and more could be yours. Of course, the price is negotiable. If you want to give me more, I am certainly willing to accept your best offer.